Choices, 1

“When did our home change to ‘my house’?”

She didn’t even realize what she had said, it was no longer a home, not one she wanted to be in, let alone raise her children in.

“When did my name change from hubs?”

“When my contrary opinion meant I didn’t respect you, when my misunderstanding was met with insults, when taking a different side meant ‘smart’ in front of other people but at home it was blow after blow. When your sexual advances were rejected and you countered with forceful intercourse,

I don’t want my children to be raised in a house without love, without freedom of speech, I know better, I was taught better, and I was raised better than that”

She wiped a tear at the corner of her eyes, her eyes already too painful to endure any more pressure from wipes.

“I want my children to know that a different opinion is not/does not mean/will never mean disrespect or war. I want them to be able to voice their opinions boldly, without fear of being beaten up because they were of a different opinion.”

She paused, a deep sigh, as if holding back emotions,

“I want my children to be raised with a lot of love. I want my children to grow up knowing there is consent,” she paused, as if catching her breath,

“Sober Enthusiastic Consent, where there is no coercion, when a sexual advance is met with rejection and doesn’t continue with coercion or manipulation, doesn’t warrant force or convincing or withdrawing love or giving gifts to convince them, I want then to………

I promise you that I don’t even have a title

It’s been a minute since I was here, one hell of a long one might I add.

I keep thinking about posting, and then I get things to post and prepare ,but then it really doesn’t happen, my head has been occupied lately, I’ve had a lot going on.

I’m overly anxious about a lot of things that are totally out of my control.

I’m in a horrible phase in life,I think there are far worse phases,but this one is driving me insane,

I also realize that with every passing day,I’m losing every bit of fire and motivation in me,I don’t have any left,I’m trying to find out ways to motivate myself again.

all that fire I had burning in me a while back has flickered out,

Bad vibes

I have been over the edge lately

I am so mad that things from way back are still bothering me

I am hurt

I have a strong urge to cry but I can’t cry,

This anger and pain is chocking me

And I’m not one to talk it out,I’d rather sit it out,sweep it under the rag or just cry it out.

Crying works better for me.

It’s like all of a sudden,all these emotions are running back to me, catching up and chocking me and even drowning me..

And now I’m gasping for clean air

I only get a few seconds of the good air before I fall back into the oblivion of breathlessness

I tried to talk it out,

A small bit of the load was eased, but the larger bit,the most scary one is still pending and so heavy.

What do people so with so much negative energy

I am lousy company right now,

Spreading my bad vibes everywhere I go.

The people I care about are suffering

I’m like a painting ball,it’s like I’m hitting walls every second and bursting into different dull colours, the colours we don’t want. The colours we don’t paint our houses in,the ones we can’t paint out children’s rooms in.

Brokenness

I am a defeated being today
The glass vase I’ve been holding so closely fell off my feeble hands today
And the vase broke.
And all the soil in it spilled all over the place
And the flowers,the beautiful daisies fell off as well
Their stalks have been cut into tiny pieces
The whole thing can’t be put back together
I tried my best to gather the pieces
But the tiny glass fragments are hurting my hands,bruising my palms
So I swept the remains off the ground into the dust pan
It’s too late to try and fix the vase
It took so long to grow the flowers
My efforts have gone to waste

la douleur

there’s some pain you don’t talk about

there’s some level of pain you don’t talk about

you can’t talk about it because nobody can relate to it

so you write about it

or you carry it with you

and on some days it weighs you down because it’s so intense

but on other days you just carry it with you

like a load

deep somewhere in your heart

you don’t let people see any hint

because it’s in your deepest core

so you hide it

or write subtly about it

you’ve held onto it for so long

it has become a part of you,so much that even if you let it go today,you’d feel a bit of emptiness,

but even the deepest of pain should be eased off

you can try to live your whole life hiding the pain

but you can only do so for so long

it’s the kind of pain that changes you into a completely different person

it’s a lesson learnt

you become better or worse than you were

you’re probably even too embarrassed to talk about it

so you keep it on the low

and you battle it day and night

you mash it down

and the pain becomes your drive

it drives your energy

it drives your focus

sometimes you’re so bitter about it

you have grown into an indifferent person

and you fight people who try to get to you

even the innocent ones

you chase them away

book review

TEXT,DON’T CALL:AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO THE INTROVERTED LIFE AUTHOR:INFJoe and Allan Caycedo-Kimura

This is a book I had been searching for for a while,I am glad I finally read it and it was worth.The most amazing part of the book for me is that it is such an easy read,so much relatable,I could relate to literally every scenario in the book.It is also quite interesting,with pictorials here and there,not so many,just enough.It is also such a short read,you would not get tired of flipping the pages,it took me a short time to read,it wouldn’t even take anyone a whole day to read,(depending on your speed). As an introvert,I found this book quite helpful,I think others would find it helpful and equally interesting too.

The title is what initially attracted me to the book,I thought I was the only one that hated phone calls and preferred texting as a means of communication.It has always been a thing for me,and now,I discover,it’s actually a thing,not just for me,but a bunch of other people in the world,and you can’t imagine how liberating that feels.

I wouldn’t want to obsess over this part alone,the book also talks about other relatable things.The emphasis on wanting some alone time to recharge,being in our heads a lot of the time,dislike for small talk,among many others.

You understand who you are and why you are how you are, so that,even when you know you’re different,or think or feel or see differently, it makes sense and even builds your confidence in who you are.

It could also be a great guide for extroverts who want to understand what goes on in an introvert’s life.

you should definitely give it a shot!

TO DO!

I have a list of overly interesting novels to read,some that I have and haven’t read,some that I only want to relive and feel how I felt the first time.

and even do some reviews.

what books are you currently reading?

We are halfway into the second month of the year and I still don’t have my stuff together.When the year began,I had a resolution to read twice as much books as I read last year,and so far,I have only read one:TEXT,DON’T CALL:AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO THE INTROVERTED LIFE by Aaron Caycedo-Kimura

dear inappropriate friend,

you towered over me, (in a hot way)

I wouldn’t want to state the obvious things, things that took me so long to say, so much that you teased and laughed a lot because I refused to be vulnerable, but even in that state, you were extremely patient with me, so I wrote them on sticky notes and left them on the fridge door every time I was leaving.

You taught me how to be vulnerable again. So much that even as I stand here, I feel so free, yet so vulnerable. It scares me, the part where I am free is because I know that I loved genuinely and lost, and was loved genuinely without holding back. I gave my all, however long it took me to let you in completely. I am proud of myself, immensely, and that, my inappropriate friend, is one of the many things I am thankful for.

I never had any awkward silence with you, unlike so many other people, you treated my silence as a strength, you’d just sit next to me and not talk, I highly appreciate that.

The most attractive thing to me from the very first day is/was that we are/were complete opposites of each other. I think that that is one of the things that has kept us glued together and kept this fire burning for ages, and it didn’t even scare you.

While I wanted to take naps in the afternoon, (because I was so full and I crawled on my belly like a panda) you wanted to have a grill and barbecue, so we compromised, on most days, on some days, you either took naps with me, (which you didn’t quite like at first) or we went out for your events, merry making,so you’d keep a close eye on me and kept asking if I was okay, and even when I wasn’t, I wouldn’t say, because somehow, I knew how whatever was happening made you happy, being around people and talking about all sorts of things was your thing. And if you saw even a hint of fatigue from my side, we’d pack up and leave, the small talks made me exhausted, meeting new people and starting all over has never been my thing, but there was good food, and alcoholic beverages and cocktails, which I loved, you also ensured my favorite food was there, whether it was fast food or a proper meal.

I also loved that every time we went to a restaurant, you ordered my favorite food, and because I didn’t take hot food, especially tea, because it would burn my tongue, you’d order the food so that by the time I got there it was warm enough.

I was always scared of being around you, even after we had been together, because I knew that I’d get too attached to ever let go. I was always the pessimist while you saw a bright future, I always held back, it’s funny how I’m left to live that future now. But even when I ran away and locked you out severally, you waited, annoyingly, patiently, it must have been agonizing for you, it was for me, I’ve never had it easy letting people in, but even in our agony, on different levels, you still had a major breakthrough because of our appropriate, yet overly inappropriate past times, that turned into my favorite, from conversations to activities.

And with you, I never had to sleep an angry person, instead of letting me retreat into my shell, you crowded me with affection, and you were never scared to come at me, you sat me down and we worked to fix things. And you were never scared to admit when you were wrong, I’d normally run off when I got mad, but I learnt to confront, you taught me how to be gentle at that, because you always did that, not in a bid to scare me off, but to show me how it worked, this thing called communication, you talked as I listened and vice versa.

If you were here today, you’d probably burst into laughter, so much that everyone else would turn to look at you and not understand why. You are so unapologetic about who you are, I’d burst into laughter too, I’d give anything to hear you laugh like that again.

I’ll miss our late night conversations in the dark,

I’ll miss us talk without words

I’ll miss us touching without hands

I’ll miss our long walks in the wee hours of the night

I’ll miss our long drives to unknown places

I’ll miss house hunting with you

I’ll miss grocery shopping with you

I’ll miss trying on new clothes with you hyping me up

I don’t know who will order food from the cafeteria for me

I don’t know who will pick me from work with a bottle of wine as a pleasantry

You’re scored on my heart,

your inappropriate friend.

your inappropriate friend